Brandon's meet the teacher..... Bittersweet

Brandon & Ms. Poplaski
 He was so cute cause he wouldn't sit by her
& blushed when she talked to him

This afternoon I took Brandon to meet the teacher night night at his school. He's going to kindergarten Monday. He was excited to meet Ms.Poplaski but didn't understand why Ms. Jackson (his pre-k teacher) want going to be his teacher & why his old friends weren't going to be there with him again. It's kinda hard to explain to a 5 year old that they are going to a new school & he would meet new friends. Luckily there is a friend from church that went to mdo with Aubrey in his class named Gabby that he will recognize & then some of our old friends who we call the other Mike & Nicole (that's really their names...lol) daughter Emily is also in Brandon's class.
So i'm going to be honest now.... When I saw Emily was in his class I felt like I got hit in the stomach with a baseball bat. When I see her it only reminds me that I should be enrolling Conner, Madison, & Makenna in school this year because Nicole & I were pregnant together. It's so hard knowing that I'll never see my babies go to school or dance class or baseball practice like I will do with Brandon & Aubrey and it totally sucks. I try really hard to stay positive about how losing my babies changed my life forever but it's times like this that I just want to cry & I so desperately wish I could have them back. I didn't realize taking Brandon to school was going to be this hard for me but it just makes me remember the pain of losing my kids that I try to bury deep inside my heart. Yes I know God knows what he's was doing when he choose me to be their Mom & when he took them back to heaven with him but the selfish flesh me wants my kids so much. I'm Very grateful for Aubrey but she didn't replace Conner, Mady, or Makenna. I feel heart broken right now but maybe this is how I should feel. I have to put on my happy face Monday & take the little boy God put in my life to school & hide the fact i'm broken inside from not having my kids........ It's just not fair....
~ Nichole